Sunday Random: A Joke

I’ve mentioned recently my love for the work of Joseph Mitchell. I’m still listening through Up in the Old Hotel – the whole thing’s nearly 30 hours, so there’s a lot there, and I’m thinking that once I get through it, I’ll start all over again.

One of the problems with audiobooks is that it’s hard to go back and “re-read” something, so I couldn’t very well take note of this joke when I heard it while driving (though if I’d been a bit sharper, I’m thinking I could have at least bookmarked it). The best I can do now, though, is to tell it to you from memory. I think it may have been from the story “Mr. Flood’s Party,” but it also may have come from “Up in the Old Hotel,” which was a really cool story by its own merits and certainly didn’t need a joke to spice it up. In any case, I really got a chuckle out of it.

An old engineer used to take the train to buy a crock of liquor. One day, as he was returning from the trip, he happened to glance at his pocket watch. A young man across from him saw this and asked, “Could you please tell me the time?” The engineer replied, “No, I will not.”

Thinking he’d been misunderstood, or that the old man didn’t hear him, he raised his voice. “Could you please tell me the time?”

“No, I will not,” came the reply.

Speaking even more loudly, the young man asked one more time. “Will you please tell the time?”

And once again, the reply came, “No. I will not.”

Convinced now that the old man heard him and understood, he asked, “Why won’t you tell me the time?”

The engineer replied, “I’ve bought this here crock of liquor that sits between my feet, and I aim to drink it. If I were to give you the time, the next thing you know, we’d be in a conversation. Once we were in a conversation, I’d feel like I’ve got to offer you a snort. Then, after a few more drinks, I’d end up inviting you over for a little more. By the time we finished, you’d be in no shape to go home, so I’d offer you the bed in our spare room, and you’d take it. Then, at two in the morning when I got up to relieve myself, I’d pass by my daughter’s room, and there you’d be. Then I’d have to get my shotgun and keep a hold of you until my wife could hitch up the buggy and go fetch the preacher, and I won’t have a son-in-law who don’t own a watch.”

Sometimes when I’m trying to get to sleep, I’ll put something on YouTube and listen until I doze off. This guy Don McMillan is someone I’d not heard of before, but I was indeed wondering if he could tell me the difference between a “dork” and a “nerd,” and he did so quite creatively, to the tune of some pretty good laughs. Dry Bar Comedy has some good stuff, and I think one of their main selling points is that the comedians keep it clean (it’s run by a couple of LDS guys). If you check them out, you’ll probably find something pretty good…