Here’s the deal. I’m painfully introverted. So I was a bit interested this morning when one of my favorite podcasts featured an interview with Holley Gerth, the author of The Powerful Purpose of Introverts. It was almost more interesting to hear the interviewer – another introvert – awkwardly interacting with Ms. Gerth. It kind of went as one would expect.
During the interview, she said something about our perceptions of happiness, and it kind of opened up some new lines of thought for me. I think it’s already pretty well known that extroverts neuro-chemically get their kicks from dopamine. According to Gerth, dopamine “works a bit like caffeine. It revs up and gears us for action and is released when there’s a lot going on in our environment.” What I didn’t know was that conversely, introverts are affected by the release of choline, which we get when we turn inward and quietly self-reflect. An extrovert’s perception is about “enthusiasm and excitement” – something we Americans associate with “happiness” – but for an introvert, happiness is about “calm and contentment.” Yeah. I get it.
This was a profound revelation for me as I find myself happiest on a quiet, calm road somewhere or sipping a cup of coffee on a cold, rainy day with a book. But I knew this about myself already (I posted about it just a few days ago). It’s just that now I know a bit more about what’s happening chemically when I experience contentment. Even more so, for me it makes the differences in all of us more clear and easier to understand. Gerth laughs – “So we have well-meaning extroverts trying to get us to do things they think will make us happy because they love us.” I see this disconnect.
I hate crowds, and the deep sense of discomfort I feel when I’m among large groups of people grows stronger as I get older. My wife loves to go browsing at department stores, but doesn’t notice that after about 30 minutes I’ll kind of disappear from her direct view. I pick a spot off to the side – usually in as untraveled an area as possible – to escape and watch from a distance. I need my coffee. I need my book. I need to be away from these people. And it seems that this is entirely normal.
But I have to admit, disdain for crowds is not the same thing as being happy when you’re reading a book alone. They may be related, but why wouldn’t an introvert be able to stand aloof when others are gathered around. I mean, I don’t have a “phobia,” I have a “dislike.” I don’t freeze up or fear for my safety when I’m confronted with crowds. Sometimes I even like them. They’re fascinating. But they’re tiring. And I can feel that choline at work when I’m the farthest I can be from them.
And here’s where I actually get around to the title of this piece: I’ve really got to take the time to ask myself why I am the way I am and how do others perceive that. I mean, in my view, I’m a real peach. People love me. But I’ve come to realize that over the years I’ve made too many assumptions as to how to play out that general sense of tolerance people may have for me. Two cases come to mind in my long memory. I certainly won’t go into details – my embarrassment is my own to bear – but let’s just say I was ignorant as to my imposition on another until some time afterwards. I just assumed, “hey, it’s alright if I do this,” and when the one whom my assumptions most affected didn’t say a word, it didn’t register until later (and when I had more information) that I was perhaps out of bounds. The actions could have been completely innocent and the person involved (the same in both cases) probably doesn’t even remember them, but I’m still mortified to think of what I did.
Is this part of the makeup of an introvert too? Could it be that my desire to avoid confrontation more easily leads me to blunder into taking what I think won’t be a problem without coming right out and asking for it properly? I really don’t know, but maybe if I grab a cup of coffee, park it in my comfy chair, shut off the world, and read up on it…