I’ve been married to a Korean woman for 34 years now, and easily the least favorite words I ever hear from her mouth are “you don’t understand me.” There are two ways to take this, each with its associated difficulties. The easy way is when she’s saying, “I said this, and because of a communication barrier, you don’t understand.” I can recover here by listening closely and seeking the proper translation of her words. But I dread the second: “I am this person with these thoughts and feelings based on a long history of my own experiences [a history that we have shared], and you don’t understand.” These words hurt.
I don’t know if you’ve read much of what I’ve written. If you’ve gotten this far on this particular blog, maybe you’ve seen a pattern. I’m always looking for context. I’m a strong advocate for grace and the seeing of something good in the people I encounter. And maybe that’s why I’m so sensitive to my wife saying something like “you don’t understand.” Because at the root of it, it is so much a part of my own character to seek understanding.
And most often we work it out. I mean, 34 years, right? I’d like to think those were 34 years in which I honed the craft of understanding. But it’s taken a lot of work, and there are always going to be those times when we just have to let it go.
On a much larger scale, I think this is one of the world’s greatest tragedies: an unwillingness to do the work it takes to really understand what people are about. I spend hours thinking about these things. When I communicate with others, I try to be as thorough as possible with what I’m explaining. I love guidance that is outlined and clear. I love when in the end it’s all laid out neatly for everyone. Part of this is paying attention to and remembering the details, but it’s also about removing the clutter from everyone’s minds. The clutter that so often reinforces preconceptions. The clutter that’s so prevalent in today’s media-saturated world.
Unfortunately, so many of us default to “what we want to hear” when we “listen.” I’ve had it happen enough to me that I make a conscious effort to fight the urge myself. Understanding is the prize of a battle – you’ve got to fight for it. It’s hard to engage the best arguments of another perspective. And while doing my best to see each side of an issue, it sometimes works to my determent. This happens on the occasions when I’ve set out to write something on this blog only to have a completely opposite thought after taking the time to understand. Now, that may sound good (and it ultimately is), but when you’re trying to write something every day and you’re up against a deadline and suddenly realize that the thing you’re writing is going to need an entirely new approach…well, that does add a bit of difficulty to the situation.
I’m also willing to fight for clarity in what we say between us. I’ll try not to make assumptions. I’ll try to control my emotions. My immediate boss at the time I retired paid me one of the greatest compliments of my military career when he said I was “unflappable” – that I didn’t panic when the pressure was on while many others did. The leader of a class being taught by my team in Monterey once told me upon my return from a vacation, “I don’t know exactly what you do here, but when you leave, the whole place falls apart.” They both speak to the importance of understanding – the ability to listen without becoming overly emotional, and the ability to work hard (even when others don’t see it) to make sure everyone knows what needs to be done.
Although it is one of the most important things we humans can experience, we often seem to miss the fact that understanding is reciprocal. To be understood, one must understand. Not that understanding others is some kind of magic pill that suddenly opens your world to them. No. To understand shows others that you’re willing to put in the work, and so draw them closer to putting in the work themselves. That’s all we can hope for, but if we’re consistent, maybe it’ll work.
And so why am I even writing this? Well primarily it’s so you might understand me and what I write on this blog just a bit more. I’m telling you that I’ll do my best to put in the honest work. I’ll try to be clear, but at the same time I hope to be interesting, and so I know there are a few flourishes to be made – a few efforts that might just be a bit too fancy for my own good. And I also want you to know that sometimes it’s a continual search (I have a whole category called “Thoughts in Progress”) – that I write to work things out while I’m not quite there yet. And all along I invite feedback. I invite input. I know I’m not quite there yet and maybe someone has the key that can help me understand.
That’s part of the hard work of understanding.